Twenty nine is a really weird age. I’ve perpetually joked around about being a “different person every time I roll out of bed,” but I don’t think there’s been a time in my life when that’s been MORE accurate than it is now. I’m pushed constantly (by society, peers, the media, family..) regarding who I’m supposed to be and where I am supposed to be at, that I feel like I’d be completely overwhelmed if I actually gave a shit. Furthermore, how do people who actually give a shit even roll out of bed? I gave up “giving a shit” what other people thought about my life choices probably in college. After being released into the wild, I was bombarded with freedom, frat boys and alcohol; more frat boys and alcohol than a 18 year old girl who had had an 11pm curfew the legit month before could handle. And, as I began to make choices on how the hell to deal with this, some people in my life bailed, more than a few decided to stick around, and countless others decided to join the party. One question I like to ask myself frequently is: if every decision you made (whether you found it wise or not in retrospect) led you to this exact point in your life, would you make all of the same decisions? I’ve lucky never answered No to this question, which I consider a success in itself. Although the choices in life I have made may have hurt others, others that I cared about, and even myself at times, I just consider those a learning experience. You can’t undo the past, so what is the sense in worrying about it?
I don’t want to sound like some self righteous, “I’ve got everything figured out,” pompous asshole, because I am far from having everything figured out. I’ve just come to peace with the fact that I may never figure anything out. And with this peace, this stability, I’ve given myself room to make mistakes and learn from them. Yet with my own “sense of self” discovered, I’ve really developed an intense, passionate hatred towards people who tell other people how to live. These people, I’ve noticed, have come out of the jungle since 27ish. Trampling through all of the happy 25 through 30 year olds, these self proclaimed Einsteins are polluting not only the media with their blogs and articles, but they have taken over the souls of some friends and acquaintances and turned them into “not always very nice” people. I just don’t understand how some people can judge someone so strongly on aspects that have nothing to do with “the judgers” actual life. So, instead of a list of “Resolutions,” my goals and aspirations for 2015, I decided to make a list of things I do now that probably aren’t going to change anytime soon:
1) Sometimes I want to eat healthy, Sometimes I want to eat my weight in calories.
You’ll notice a trend here as I embark on this “list” (honestly, this whole idea pains me. There are enough lists on the internet, but what the hell); I really wanted to focus on the dichotomies I face daily. There is so much pressure on us to be a certain weight and look a certain way, especially as a female. I’ll admit, when I see someone I haven’t seen in a long time, my first thought is “Did they gain weight? Do I look better than they do?” which is NOT where my mind should go, but I’ve been infected with this “obsession” as much as anyone else. Related to how we should look, we are told how we should eat, and I have STILL not gotten over that b*tch that told me not to eat a bagel past the age of 25. There are fad diets, “the organics” (as I like to call them), and there are also the “not-so-pleasantly-plump” who become OUTRAGED at anyone who occasionally wants to eat a salad. I love getting comments on what I eat, mostly because any comment regarding how someone eats is, point blank, none of your business. Anyone who knows me KNOWS I eat a light lunch (a sandwich or a yogurt) and a huge dinner (especially if I’m going out… ALL of the burgers). Is this the right way? No. Do I give a shit? No. The most hilarious part of it to me is when I pull out my lunch and the comments start to fly: “Is that alllllllllllllll that you’re having? That’s not even a lunch!” In turn, during an “impressive” dinner; “For a little girl, you can surely pack away a lot. Did you just get thirds? No, you can’t have the rest of my fries.” Who are these people to deny me fries?!?!!?! (That really hasn’t happened, but you get the point). If you have your own obsession/diet, you go girl (or boy) and I’m not going to stop you or comment on you, and I actually feel perfectly comfortable eating my 7 course meal while you munch on your salad (or vice versa if it’s my lunch time), but whenever someone makes a comment, it just shows me that they don’t have that confidence in themselves, which is where the real problem lies. So, I’ll be over here eating my carbs and my pesticides and you can just like, go over there and have a good time. Or we could eat together and talk about something else, ok?
2) Sometimes I want to stay sober, Sometimes I want to black the f*ck out.
The age of 29 had a completely different meaning in the 1950’s. I could currently have three kids and spend my day at home cooking, cleaning, and making sure I raise three perfect geniuses that say “yes, sir” and “yes, ma’am.” Some people have this lifestyle now, which I completely respect. If I was this fictitious person whom I’ve just described, and it was noon on a Tuesday, this would not be an appropriate time to get black out drunk. While some may argue there isn’t any appropriate time to get black out drunk anymore “at my age”, I think that they are entitled to their opinion and I’m entitled to mine. Until a human head emerges from my insides, I can still find those magical nights, maybe a couple of times a year, where I’d like to purposely over indulge in alcohol. And I can go home to my non-responsibility Saturday morning life and pass out in my underwear and maybe vomit a couple of times. Why can I do this? I can do this because of the following reasons: I work five days a week; I can afford to pay my rent, eat, and any other of life’s amenities; I am sober at least 90% of my life. Basically, I’m winning at life already, so why not take a night off once in a while. In turn, sometimes people will invite me to go out to lunch, or to a family function, or to see their new baby (wink, wink), and they will turn to me and go “you want to get some beers?” Sometimes, the answer, quite frankly, is “oh, no thank you.” And then comes the “What are you pregnant? Rough night last night? How can we possibly survive the next hour without at least a one beer buzz?” Dude(s), I just said I didn’t want a beer. Does that make me an alien? How can you enjoy the drunk if you can’t appreciate the sober?
3) Sometimes I want to be “educated,” Sometimes I want to watch this Big Bang Theory episode for the 4th time this month
Growing up, I was always the “smart girl.” In all honestly, however, I really never had a passion to learn. That’s what separates the smart kids from the “geniuses.” Smart kids would go home and do the homework quickly and easily and then go do something else more fun; “Geniuses” would relish in the homework, and in the school day itself, and then quickly turn to the internet and learn more on the subject because it was JUST SO FASCINATING. I don’t know what this means about me really, but I’m not really fascinated by much. I feel so “out of touch” with current events, it’s all like a very boring movie where the words are thrown at me, and only half of the story is even told depending on what news station I’m watching. Is there anything in the works to make the news more entertaining? For instance, this one day I was (probably hungover and) bored watching the History Channel, and holy f*ck it was Pearl Harbor day. I HATED history in High School; I did not give one shit about one chapter ever. But, for some reason, this documentary on Pearl Harbor had me ENTHRALLED. Maybe I would make more of an effort to stay up on politics and other hot topics if there was a more entertaining way to portray them to the media. Where am I going with this? I’m not too sure. I would like to say that because I a) choose not to watch the news and b) watch ridiculously stupid TV shows instead does not make me any less intelligent, it just makes me less informed. And when I do become interested in something, I just do my own research. Honestly, after working for 8 hours, going to the gym, taking care of the apartment, all the extra BS that comes with being an adult; my mind just wants to be turned off for a bit (and it’s a week day so I won’t black out 😉 ). So, don’t give me that look when I don’t know every detail of the Ferguson trial or every claim made by ObamaCare, because I’m not judging you back for actually knowing that crap either. If you’re nice enough, maybe you can teach me about it. I do like to learn, just not by the news.
4) Sometimes I want to look like a super-model, Sometimes I want to look like I just rolled out of bed
If you know me in real life, you’ve seen me in both of my above-referenced natural habitats. A Saturday night out calls for super straight hair, loads of make-up (that actually makes me look like I have no make-up on. The magic!), dresses, skirts, leather jacket, clothing goodness. On a Saturday morning, you can find me in capri sweats (my favorite pair actually has a bleach stain on it), a wife-beater tank top, and a hoodie. And yes, I go out like this (the horror!). I definitely feel judged by society when I exit my house in sweats, to the point where people think I’m in college. B*tch, please. Look at where we are right now? We’re in the middle of Market Basket where people are acting like complete animals and hey, at least I look the part. Next thing you know some bewildered person is going to knock over the Starbucks coffee you have all over your new white peacoat, and you are going to cry in despair and break a nail in rage. But I’m not judging you, because I actually have a manicure right now, and it is nice. People judge me first, and I just don’t get that. Let’s all just dress how we want to dress and, essentially, we would all be comfortable with our own appearance. Right? Maybe? Probably not.
5) Sometimes I want to be everyone’s best friend, Sometimes people don’t deserve my respect
This is the last item on the list, and honestly the only one that is a struggle for me. It’s very hard for me to be mean, malicious or nasty to anyone, but sometimes I see this nature come SO EASILY to people at the drop of a hat. I just don’t understand how people can harbor that much anger as an adult. I still have this odd necessity to be liked, and I think it is an overall good quality because it makes me a nice person. Just recently, however, I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to be liked by everyone.
If you were my friend once, and we stopped being friends, believe me, it affected me. And, this may be a little TMI, but depending on the friendship, it may still affect me now. I don’t really understand how people can text or maybe message or “pretend” keep in touch, but as soon as someone mentions hanging out in person, that “friend” drops off the face of the planet until maybe like 6 months when they are bored and want someone to text. I don’t even like to text so it’s like… why are you texting me? Don’t get me wrong, the internet is TOTALLY different. I have who-the-hell-knows how many FB friends, and Lord knows I like you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE 🙂 on the internet! I think people know the type of people I’m referring too… The local “pen pals,” who you may have hung out with every day for 3 months while they were lonely or single, but then all of a sudden their life got to full for you. Ugh. These actually bother me more than a breakup because, as a well balanced person, it just doesn’t make sense.
It has taken a while of “self- convincing,” but I really think I am in the beginning stages of being able to identify who I don’t actually need to be friends with. Why would you want to be friends with someone who constantly belittles people for doing any of the above things I’ve listed, or for just being a selfish person in general? In retrospect, most people who have left my life have probably made my life better upon their exit, and that’s refreshing. Maybe I was just too nice for them to wrap their heads around. Finally, at almost 30, I’m almost at peace with not everyone thinking I’m awesome, because I have enough people that know that I am.
So, that was that. Sorry this was serious but I think NYE calls for a time of reflection and “re-birth.” I also wanted to write this so that maybe some 29 year old who was feeling the same exact way can have someone to relate to. Who the hell knows. Good luck with those resolutions and, if you don’t end up keeping any of them, that probably just means they weren’t that important to you anyway ❤